Haircut Dilemma

Why do I want a haircut? Why DO I want a haircut? Hm. Now that I think about it, I do kinda want one a fair bit. I don't always get it, but still. Why? I'm starting to think it's maybe because I keep thinking getting a haircut and changing how I look might change the way people look at me. I keep hoping, maybe it'll make me look prettier? Maybe people will treat me differently? Maybe I'll feel more confident? But usually, it doesn't really make a difference; changing you hair or how you look doesn't change who you are. I guess I'll just have to learn that eventually... Idk. Perhaps I just want to be liked. I mean, this sounds silly and shallow. But seriously. Obviously there's something wrong with me because I've never been like liked. Everyone's been like liked before, I'm sure. Bah. You know what annoys me the most? The fact that I'm actually thinking and blogging about this. -.- Okay. Let's just pretend I never wrote, actually, never thought that. Or maybe I just actually wanna change my hairstyle... Probably not though. Me.

Perspective

Would you rather be protected in your own pleasant fantasy or face the harsh reality of life? Would you rather be told sweet lies or the bitter truth? Would you rather be happy but blissfully ignorant or hurt with painful knowledge that you aren't liked? You see, it's one or the other. You can't have both. It's simple; either be happy in your own little bubble, or have to cope with the unhappy facts of your life. Then again, your bubble is made of your perspective, how you view things. No matter what someone says or does, you'll always believe it to be good. Whereas if you decide to face the unhappy facts, they're not necessarily facts, are they? Again, it's your opinion, I guess. Even if someone says something nice, you'll believe there's another intention behind the obvious words. So... Is it possible to not have an opinion? And just take things as they are? Without ignorantly believing the best, or being paranoid and seeking the worst? If there is, I obviously don't know how. Or can't learn how. Whichever. It's all about how you look at things. Erica

Too many thoughts

Hm, I've been huddled up in my own little world these few days. Would someone mind telling me how to stop caring about petty things? Oh and note to my thoughts: Please stop. I'm trying to be optimistic but you're not exactly helping with all your negativeness flowing about in my mind. If I ever get depressed, I'm blaming you. Just thought you should know. By the way, thinking is not necessarily always a good thing. In actual fact, thinking too much is a very bad thing.

Sincerely, The overthinker

Confidence

People are drawn to confidence. Which is why she fakes it. It made things so much easier. It's not that she liked pretending, but if she didn't, no one would know her. She would be friend-less. Why? Because she was just too ordinary. No one would be the first to walk up to her. So she would have to push down all insecurities and make the first move. But after the people are gone, and she's alone with her thoughts, the confidence ebbs away. And what's left is just the opposite. The Wonderings. Whether she came out too overconfident; what they thought of her; if she even made an impression. She would go over every excrutiatingly awkward moment and obsess. And yet, she's not even sure if they thought it was awkward, or whether she was just being her usual paranoid self. Other times she wondered why she bothered. What was the point? If no one thought she was worth getting to know, then why bother? It wasn't fair. But then, life wasn't fair. She knew that. Some people were born pretty, others not so much. Some were born rich, others into horrible poverty. Some people were born likable and confident and interesting, others weren't as lucky. But what could she do? Nothing. Because the one thing she feared more than what others thought of her, was being alone. Sure, she feared spiders. But being alone. The very thought of it scared her. So she dealt with it. Dealt with living every day thinking she wasn't good enough. wow. I should think less. This is what happens when I'm left with my thoughts and a place to word them out. Me.

Moving on

Hm, Yesterday we had another BBQ type thing at this park near Mt Waverley with our LifeGroup. It was fun, but I don't know. Something was missing. It's kinda hard to explain... Erh. Maybe I've just been holding on to the past too much. And I should start moving on. Because I'm sure everyone else has. Relationships change over time. Circumstances change. People change. I guess if you keep looking back, you'll be the one left behind. But that doesn't mean I can't miss the old times, right? It's so silly. Life is silly. Not to mention unfair. But then I guess if everything was perfect, it wouldn't be life, exactly. More liike. Artificial life? Because it's not real? Lol. Okay, I'm going in over my head right now. So I'll just stop.. I hope people in Japan are coping okay... I pray that people who have lost family members will find peace and be able to move on with their lives, but not forget those who passed away. Does that make sense? o.o Feeling kinda small and insignificant and immaturely childish. TimTan.

Needing Normality

Seriously? Are you freaking serious? Gosh. Okay. I need to organize my thoughts. Nothing is making sense anymore. Nothing. Everyone in my life right now is completely psycho. I need to get away. I can't do this anymore. Just UGH. What is WRONG with everybody? I am so sick of all of it. Just go away. Please. I can't take it. Why? Why can't you just be normal? Sure, you think I'm the one with issues. Gosh, how can you be so freaking blind? I'm not freaking perfect. I admit it. What more do you want from me? Oh, so you can just go act like the world is against you. Like you're the victim. I don't want it to be like this. Why can't everything just go back to the way it used to be? I don't want broken relationships that go beyond mending. But it's too hard. OH MY GOSH. How much frustration can a single person hold? Dear God, help me forgive. Dear God, forgive me. Dear God, help. please. I really really need your help. I'm trying my best, but it's not good enough. Erica.

The Changed Me

So, I've spent a while, okay no, a long period of time, thinking. And I've come to the conclusion that I have changed for the worse in some areas.. Apparently I'm now more selfish and shallow and sensitive. What happened? Gosh. It just happened suddenly, or maybe slowly, silently so I didn't notice. How? I don't know. Why? Still don't know. What to do now? Well. Try my best to be better I guess. I always seem to be doing something wrong. I'll concentrate so hard in one area, but that'll make me miss some other important part. Help. Another thing. I really need to learn to be happy with who I am. And stop taking what people say personally (that's the being sensitve part). Because otherwise, I really don't think I have anything. As you can see, right now, there isn't much about myself that I am happy with. I'm not sure if I'm any closer to being the person I wanted to be. -.- Blah. Erica

Insecurity

Insecurity. Is like. The worst feeling in the world. Lucky for me I am not currently the victim of Insecurity's wrath. But I've been in it's grasp before and I felt horrible. Symptoms: Paranoia, feeling unloved, depression (mild to serious depending on how you cope) End result: Lowered self-esteem and the inability to trust Treatment: Time. Stop overthinking things. Look at the bright side (as hard as that may be). Immerse yourself with people who love + care for you. :)) Okay. That was lame. Contemplative. Erica OH I think I shall do some post about WHO AM I? soon. Because. Idk. Heaps of things seem to be making me think of that. For example, the topic for today's assembly was. well. WHO AM I? lol. Courtesy of Mrs Jones.

A few of the billions of thoughts running through my head.

Great. I'm becoming a horrible judgemental person. I miss my cousins. Why can't well all be young and innocent and not spiteful and pure and happy again? I want to go back to the time when I didn't ask questions and just took things the way they were without overthinking everything. I want to be that little girl who got along with her siblings. Although according to my sister, that wasn't even a reality. Apparently we still fought heaps. And the only reason we fight more now is because I developed a brain and a voice and feelings. Okay, fine. I'll even be happy to go back to then. When I was too ignorant to see this and was happy. Feelings complicate things. So I'll just harden my heart till I don't feel anymore. That makes sense right? Sure there's no love or joy but there's no hatred or sadness either is there? Just neutralness. That works, right? Blah, Erica

Shallowness

So, This was weeks ago but I think I'll post it. It's relevant-ish. Say someone doesn't like a part of who they are. Like a trait. And they wanted to change it. Would this mean they were pretending to be someone they weren't? But then again, the part of them that wants to change that trait is still a part of them right? So...? What? Okay. I reckon I can be extremely shallow sometimes and I truly despise that part of me. I put so much importance in such trivial matters that, when I'm thinking rationally, are stupid. Why? And I often find myself looking and caring more about outer appearances than inner beauty and values. Why? I wasn't brought up that way. Nor do I like thinking that way. So why do I do it? I briefly mentioned before that someone pointed this out to me. That person said I acted stupid. Key word here is acted. Which meant that that person was implying that I was doing it intentionally. I don't think it's true. But how would I know? My judgement is impaired and biased. So what if it is? True? Do I act stupid? Thing is, I know I'm not. I know for a fact that I am not stupid. But obviously I did something or acted in a certain way to cause that person to make that comment. So.. I'm not dumb but I acted dumb. In my opinion, that's even worse than actually being dumb. I don't do it on purpose. Maybe I do it subconsciously? But why in the world would I want to portray myself as someone dumb?! Ugh. Either way, I'm disappointed in myself. In who I've become. By who, I mean this shallow egotistical airhead who values outer appearance. And is not to mention mean. Easily angered. Selfish. Holds grudges. And has no grace whatsoever. Oh and is easily offended. I'm becoming everything I ever disliked in a person. Erica

Wondering

Ok. Fine.

So I’m selfish. A freaking selfish little brat who thinks about no one but herself and what she herself is going through. Me me me me mememememememeME.

Ugh. MY thoughts. MY feelings. MY problems. But what do you expect me to do? Huh? I’m not God okay. I’m not perfect. I have flaws. Endless flaws.

And now my sister wouldn’t even care if I died. Oh but then that’s about me too. The world seems to revolve around me these days.

Oh and funny how not too long ago, that same sister was jealous because she thought I was perfect. Popular. Pretty. No wait. That makes sense. Of course she would want me dead. Sad thing is, none of the things she was jealous of were true. All just twisted because of her own low self esteem of herself.

She thinks no one cares too. That’s probably part of it. The self esteem thing, I mean. Gosh, how ironic. I was always the one that was jealous of her. She has always been and still is the pretty one. The one with a best best best friend forever as well as many others. And the one that was always oh-so happy.

This family is so stuffed up it isn’t even funny. Everyone’s going crazy. But then it’ll all be fine again tomorrow morning. Only to repeat itself.

The screaming. The fighting. You know, it’s always been only verbal fighting. But I guess not anymore. What happened to the happy people in those photos of us in Malaysia? The photos we were looking at just, huh, a few hours ago. So much can change in a mere 3 hours.

Trying not to think it, but I can’t help it.

What would happen if I really died? I really want to know. Would it even make a difference?

Oh it’s hilarious. You should see me when I’m bawling my eyes out. My nose goes extremely pink.

With an extremely pink nose, Erica

Btw, this was last night.

Fairness?

Life, Is not fair. Think about it. I have so many reasons to base this statement on. Here's one of them. The horribly unfortunate fact that the person who cares less holds the power in a relationship. How unfair is that? The other who doesn't care as much has the power to do whatever because they know the... Okay this is too confusing. Let me start again. Let's say A is the person who cares more and B is the one who cares less. By the way, this is all hypothetical. A has the power to do whatever they want because they know B will do anything for them. B is vulnerable to being taken advantage of and the worse thing is, they know it and don't care. I repeat, how unfair is that? Blah, Me.

Irrational Beings

You know, It’s funny. Us human beings. We are kinda horrible.

Say someone is negative. It’s just who that person is. We judge them and call them depressing, or boring. Then if they try to change who they are just to please everyone, we judge them yet again. We say that they should just be who they really are and not pretend all the time because it’s pretty much like lying. How ridiculous is that?

Btw, that was a hypothetical situation.

Another one, we’re wired to want to belong. We do whatever it takes for even a moment of belonging. at home. at school. amongst friends. Constantly moulding ourselves so we can fit into whatever it is we want to fit into. Until eventually, we don’t even know what happened to our true selves. In a sense, we become who we wanted to be. But we’re STILL not happy. Because ee want to just be and belong and not have to change to belong.

Okay. I’m rambling.

Point of post? Human’s are irrational beings. Me.

Contemplativeness

Hm, I'm not afraid of dying. Rather, I'm afraid that no one would care if I did. I think that's why I try so hard sometimes. I think I've said before that I'm a people pleaser. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. It depends. Anyway, that was a thought that ran through my head quite a while ago. So I'm not very up-to-date. Probably because of my maths exam which because OVERR on friday. :) Extreme relief. I think I've changed. Since Malaysia. Since Year 7. Just since. I used to be so innocent, young, ignorant and I was happy that way. I never thought or cared a thing about what people thought of me. Okay, so maybe when someone said something I'd feel hurt or whatever, but I'd just forget about it. Now, I don't know. Do you think I've changed? I really want to ask that question to someone who's known me since I was a little girl. But obviously not my family. Because you know how when you see someone everyday, the change is so gradual you don't notice? Yeah, that would be a slight problem. I'm not sure if I changed for the better or for the worse. My accent. My thoughts. My feelings. My likes and dislikes. My mannerisms? Meh. Contemplating things make me get to know myself better I guess. Erica

Nonsensical Nonsense

So, I haven't really been in a bloggy mood in a while. I'm not even in one now. I just feel kinda obliged to post something because well. I've had like 3 failed blogs and this ones gotten so far. I'm not giving up now. I don't really have much to talk about because life has just been one big. ball of yarn. Not the greatest metaphore but it was the best I could do. You see, home's been. Ugh. Some days are okay. Other days I feel like just screaming my head off and jumping up and down. It's what everyone else seems to be doing. But then I'll just be giving in. I have a theory. There's a crazy streak in my family. Or maybe not because my parents seem mostly okay and my cousins seem fine. But my siblings. Well, don't even let me start on the problems. And somehow, inside, I think there's this uncontrollable mad thing that could just blow up. At least school's been alright. My friends have been good. It was Vicky's birthday yesterday and I baked her a really yummy Devil's Food Cake. Anyway, it's funny how God knows just how much I can handle. If thing's were going bad at school, my head would just burst in a million pieces and the explosion would be so big that you would find bits of me floating around in space. Wow. Did I just say that? This is a really odd post. Me just rambling nonsensical nonsense. Ignore me. Wait no don't. Cos then I'll feel unloved. Yes, I used that word. The word people use when they feel unloved. Eeek. Okay I'm not liking that word now. The Fortunate Unhappy (Shakespeare, Twelfth Night) Erica

Collection of Thoughts

Ugh, 14 is a stupid age. Hate it. Well, right now anyway. I feel young and kid-ish. People my age can be cruel. I feel short, disproportioned, squinty eyed, in need of a haircut and... I don't know. Out of place. Sometimes, smiling can be so draining. It just. Well, drains up energy. Cheerfulness just seeps it like some sort of vacuum. I wish I could punch jealousy in the face. See, this is another thing that eats you up from the inside. I'm sick of being a moody little teenager. I'm not trying to be mean. Really. Not up to a social gathering where I have to put on a bright happy smiley cheerful face and talk and laugh and talk more. Well, time to be happy again. Or maybe for the first time, I won't be able to do it. And I'll just stay in this sullen mood. No, actually, I think I'll manage. As always. I'm slightly annoyed with myself for that. Hm. Me

Life's been. idk. Crazy.

So, Life's been idk. Crazy. I guess. I'd start my day with arguments, screaming, emotional breakdowns etc. Then, I'd go to school. Kinda... Not my usual cheery self, but determined to keep that HAPPY demeanour. And I can, but it saps extra energy. Then, I'd blurt a couple of words (with a perfectly straight, unemotional face and tone) to a friend. A good one. Or a few. And they'd give a couple of words of comfort. Or make me smile at something. Kate insulted me. It worked. -.- haha. The day would then proceed with higher spirits. I would be able to laugh and smile genuinely. You guys might not know it, but you're pretty great. I might not say it often, but I do mean it. Next, I would go home. And perhaps go through another burst of frustration at dinner time. Idk. Sometimes, I know you're trying. Other times, I don't see why the heck it's so hard. Sorry I don't understand what you're going through, but then, you don't know what I'm going through either. I'm sorry. I know I can be really harsh. and mean. and cold. and resentful. and thoughtless. But it's that, or tears. Which I'm avoiding. I cry so easily these days.. But I do care. I'm just not god at showing it. Frustration, anger, worry, jealousy. I don't know what's what anymore. Huh. And my OurSpace teacher told me that good posts are short and simple. Really should be Geography-ing. Tommy

Erica the Perfectionist?

So,

Uncle Ben said I was a 'perfectionist'.

Me: Um... Really? How do you know? (Not sure if I should take it as a compliment or insult or comment) Uncle Ben: Well, from what your mum tells me about you and how I've seen you act. Me: ... Uncle Ben: (Probably seeing the look on my face) Oh, don't worry. I was one too, when I was young. Me: Really? Okay... But what do you mean by 'perfectionist'? Uncle Ben: Well, you go to sleep on time, you eat at the right time, you do well at school. Me: Okay... Uncle Ben: Well, my mother's friends used to ask her how she did it. Because I did what I was told and came top of my class. And my mum used to say that she didn't have to do anything. I was just born that way. Me: Oh. Okay... -End of Conversation-

Btw, it's not totally accurate because it was like a week ago and my memory is failing me. It was at night. And I was tired... But anyway, it's sort of pretty much what happened. Am I perfectionist? Idk. Maybe? But for some reason, I don't particularly want to be known as the perfectionist. I don't like the idea... Erica the perfectionist just doesn't cut it for me.

I was going to continue with another thought, but I reckon that's enough. For today. Besides, I have school tomorrow.

After an activity packed 1 1/2 weeks with family, then a few days of lazing around at home doing absolutely nothing, maybe school might not be so bad for me.

Did I just say that?!

Well, I'll see my friends. :)

Feeling... Quite neutral.

Erica

Scattered Thoughts

So,

I haven't blogged in a while. It's been normal. With happy days, sad days, angry days, normal days where I think too much and make it tilt on the sad day side, normal days. Nothing much really. I went to Denzel's new house yesterday night and that was fun. Because I haven't like actually seen them in ages and I guess I kinda miss 'em. School has been. Normal. I think I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I don't have one omg-ingly close bosom (lol at that word) friend. Instead, I have a small group of people who I call my good friends. And yes, I'm quite happy.

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Oh. Ew. It just came to my mind that I have school tomorrow. 6 more weeks. Yes I have been counting. And hm. I have realized that I am a very easily jealous person. Which is really bad. But like, how do you stop being jealous and make yourself happy for another person's successes and the good things that they have. It also links to me being grateful for what I already have. omg. Why must humans always want what they don't have? And even when they get it, they want more again. It's like this hunger that can't be satisfied. Hmm. They say this is where God comes in. There's like this God shaped void in people and people try to fill it with drugs, alcohol etc. But it doesn't work. You see, as I Christian that is always a good girl and goes to church, I know this. But it's easier said than done. Like. Oh idk. Too young to be thinking so much. lol. I'll just do what I can to live a happy life and maybe, make other people's lives happy too.

Okayy. My thoughts are really scattered today. Erica.

Just stop.

Shut up. Please, just shut up.

I can hear you, you know that, right? Tears are streaming down my face, and you just go on and on and on. Just stop. Please. And leave me alone. It doesn't have anything ANYTHING to do with you. So just please please stop it. You can't have any idea how much it affects me. So I'm asking you, begging you to leave me alone.

It's like you're trying to make me hate you. Do you really want that? I don't. I don't. Really truly don't. Every word you say hurts. I can feel it sounding in my head. It's gonna make everything worse. So just STOP. You don't understand, you can't. So I'm just telling you to leave me alone.

I can't keep forgiving and forgiving. One day, I'm going to get SO sick of it, I'll just stop. And then, the damage will be done. Irreversible. Do you want that? I don't. I already told you, I don't. I just want it all to stop. You have a freaking problem, I know. But just leave me freaking out of it. It has NOTHING to do with me.

Tearful and puffy-eyed.

Me