Too many thoughts

Hm, I've been huddled up in my own little world these few days. Would someone mind telling me how to stop caring about petty things? Oh and note to my thoughts: Please stop. I'm trying to be optimistic but you're not exactly helping with all your negativeness flowing about in my mind. If I ever get depressed, I'm blaming you. Just thought you should know. By the way, thinking is not necessarily always a good thing. In actual fact, thinking too much is a very bad thing.

Sincerely, The overthinker

Shallowness

So, This was weeks ago but I think I'll post it. It's relevant-ish. Say someone doesn't like a part of who they are. Like a trait. And they wanted to change it. Would this mean they were pretending to be someone they weren't? But then again, the part of them that wants to change that trait is still a part of them right? So...? What? Okay. I reckon I can be extremely shallow sometimes and I truly despise that part of me. I put so much importance in such trivial matters that, when I'm thinking rationally, are stupid. Why? And I often find myself looking and caring more about outer appearances than inner beauty and values. Why? I wasn't brought up that way. Nor do I like thinking that way. So why do I do it? I briefly mentioned before that someone pointed this out to me. That person said I acted stupid. Key word here is acted. Which meant that that person was implying that I was doing it intentionally. I don't think it's true. But how would I know? My judgement is impaired and biased. So what if it is? True? Do I act stupid? Thing is, I know I'm not. I know for a fact that I am not stupid. But obviously I did something or acted in a certain way to cause that person to make that comment. So.. I'm not dumb but I acted dumb. In my opinion, that's even worse than actually being dumb. I don't do it on purpose. Maybe I do it subconsciously? But why in the world would I want to portray myself as someone dumb?! Ugh. Either way, I'm disappointed in myself. In who I've become. By who, I mean this shallow egotistical airhead who values outer appearance. And is not to mention mean. Easily angered. Selfish. Holds grudges. And has no grace whatsoever. Oh and is easily offended. I'm becoming everything I ever disliked in a person. Erica

Wondering

Ok. Fine.

So I’m selfish. A freaking selfish little brat who thinks about no one but herself and what she herself is going through. Me me me me mememememememeME.

Ugh. MY thoughts. MY feelings. MY problems. But what do you expect me to do? Huh? I’m not God okay. I’m not perfect. I have flaws. Endless flaws.

And now my sister wouldn’t even care if I died. Oh but then that’s about me too. The world seems to revolve around me these days.

Oh and funny how not too long ago, that same sister was jealous because she thought I was perfect. Popular. Pretty. No wait. That makes sense. Of course she would want me dead. Sad thing is, none of the things she was jealous of were true. All just twisted because of her own low self esteem of herself.

She thinks no one cares too. That’s probably part of it. The self esteem thing, I mean. Gosh, how ironic. I was always the one that was jealous of her. She has always been and still is the pretty one. The one with a best best best friend forever as well as many others. And the one that was always oh-so happy.

This family is so stuffed up it isn’t even funny. Everyone’s going crazy. But then it’ll all be fine again tomorrow morning. Only to repeat itself.

The screaming. The fighting. You know, it’s always been only verbal fighting. But I guess not anymore. What happened to the happy people in those photos of us in Malaysia? The photos we were looking at just, huh, a few hours ago. So much can change in a mere 3 hours.

Trying not to think it, but I can’t help it.

What would happen if I really died? I really want to know. Would it even make a difference?

Oh it’s hilarious. You should see me when I’m bawling my eyes out. My nose goes extremely pink.

With an extremely pink nose, Erica

Btw, this was last night.

Contemplativeness

Hm, I'm not afraid of dying. Rather, I'm afraid that no one would care if I did. I think that's why I try so hard sometimes. I think I've said before that I'm a people pleaser. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. It depends. Anyway, that was a thought that ran through my head quite a while ago. So I'm not very up-to-date. Probably because of my maths exam which because OVERR on friday. :) Extreme relief. I think I've changed. Since Malaysia. Since Year 7. Just since. I used to be so innocent, young, ignorant and I was happy that way. I never thought or cared a thing about what people thought of me. Okay, so maybe when someone said something I'd feel hurt or whatever, but I'd just forget about it. Now, I don't know. Do you think I've changed? I really want to ask that question to someone who's known me since I was a little girl. But obviously not my family. Because you know how when you see someone everyday, the change is so gradual you don't notice? Yeah, that would be a slight problem. I'm not sure if I changed for the better or for the worse. My accent. My thoughts. My feelings. My likes and dislikes. My mannerisms? Meh. Contemplating things make me get to know myself better I guess. Erica

Retreat.

In the Bible, There's one part that says something about slapping. It says if someone slaps your cheek, turn the other one for him to slap. It's not in those exact words, but the meaning is pretty much that. So I got slapped today. Twice. But it was too fast for me to even do anything about it. I didn't turn my other cheek. Rather, I burst into tears and retreated to a corner. Unable to do anything but let out a string of uncontrollable sobs. That is so typical me. I don't fight back. Instead, I retreat into the nearest corner. Fight or flight. I choose flight. Not taking revenge is good, I guess. But I don't stay either. I don't say and put a smile and say I forgive you. And truly mean it. I'm sure that's what Jesus would have done. Okay, he was perfect. But still. Of all things, I retreat. Ugh. Feeling the aftermath of another emotional attack. Me.

Liar liar.

You can lie to me all you damn want. Just stop lying to yourself. Throwing silent tantrums. It's so hard to rid frustration silently. Without the help of loud bangs and screams. Forgive 7x7 times. Gah. Help. Gosh, why can't you just admit it? Blatantly obvious, but you don't want to see it. This is so not good for me. Me.

Can't think of one

I feel like freaking punching something right now. ARGH. Can you please just shut up. I've become SOO freaking close to swearing these days. And that's against my very being. And guess why? Sick of it. So sick of it that I can't even put it into words. It was such a good day too. It's all getting way to old. A concentrated whirl of anger.

Blah. Yeah, that sums out how I'm feeling.

Okay, So I'm in a bit of a... Mood right now. Suffice to say I'm not happy but I shall try to blog about something happy so I'll forget about it. Er. Hm. Um. I can't think of anything right now. Argh. Okay. How about. My week. Okay. So have I told you my class (9G) won the Year 9 Singing Competition? Well, along with 9H. Bahaha. Vicky's class. Anyway, so we have to perform Imagine during assembly. I think it was the sign language that got us to win. Personally, I thought we were just average and slightly off tune. But who's complaining? We got heaps (like 3) of chocolates from it. :D From Catherine, Madam Ning, and as a reward for winning. Next, um. um. um. Oh, we had Community Action again. Same thing. Sand box, then inside. Oh and we missed the bus again. JUST this time. So we walked. Go on www.studywiz.plc.vic.edu.au blog thingo if you wanna read more. It's nothing much though. Erm. OH, we had to go to this family Psychologist appointment thing. Yay because it was the day Tess got discharged. But I don't really want to talk about it. The day. Just that it ended nice enough I guess. :) <<<> Battery's running out. Drained and weary, Erica.

Not sure what to think

Hi, I'm just. Shocked. In utter disbelief. I didn't know it was so serious. I don't even know what to think. I never saw it as a reality. The hospital. That's. I don't know. But if it'll help her get better, then I guess that's a good thing. All those calls from random people who are trying to give support or help or care or whatever. Aunty Vanny picking me up from school, asking me if I'm okay. It's all just freaking me out. It's really weird. Mum's okay. I hope. I didn't know whether to ask if she was okay or to just carry on as normal. I did both. All I can do is offer whatever help I can. Help pack her stuff. I thought I liked being home alone. I don't. Just the usual footsteps around the house and the sound of activity. A sound I usually don't notice. Neglect even. How is she going to survive? I hope she's okay. I'm getting Grey's Anatomy for her. It's all I can think of. Mum said no internet, or fb or phone. Idk. Doesn't feel like my life. Feels like everything's in slow motion. Like watching a movie. That's right. It feels like it's all scripted and well. Movie-like. Unreal. Trying to get my head around it all. It'll all go back to normal soon, right? Confused, Me.