Confidence

People are drawn to confidence. Which is why she fakes it. It made things so much easier. It's not that she liked pretending, but if she didn't, no one would know her. She would be friend-less. Why? Because she was just too ordinary. No one would be the first to walk up to her. So she would have to push down all insecurities and make the first move. But after the people are gone, and she's alone with her thoughts, the confidence ebbs away. And what's left is just the opposite. The Wonderings. Whether she came out too overconfident; what they thought of her; if she even made an impression. She would go over every excrutiatingly awkward moment and obsess. And yet, she's not even sure if they thought it was awkward, or whether she was just being her usual paranoid self. Other times she wondered why she bothered. What was the point? If no one thought she was worth getting to know, then why bother? It wasn't fair. But then, life wasn't fair. She knew that. Some people were born pretty, others not so much. Some were born rich, others into horrible poverty. Some people were born likable and confident and interesting, others weren't as lucky. But what could she do? Nothing. Because the one thing she feared more than what others thought of her, was being alone. Sure, she feared spiders. But being alone. The very thought of it scared her. So she dealt with it. Dealt with living every day thinking she wasn't good enough. wow. I should think less. This is what happens when I'm left with my thoughts and a place to word them out. Me.

Moving on

Hm, Yesterday we had another BBQ type thing at this park near Mt Waverley with our LifeGroup. It was fun, but I don't know. Something was missing. It's kinda hard to explain... Erh. Maybe I've just been holding on to the past too much. And I should start moving on. Because I'm sure everyone else has. Relationships change over time. Circumstances change. People change. I guess if you keep looking back, you'll be the one left behind. But that doesn't mean I can't miss the old times, right? It's so silly. Life is silly. Not to mention unfair. But then I guess if everything was perfect, it wouldn't be life, exactly. More liike. Artificial life? Because it's not real? Lol. Okay, I'm going in over my head right now. So I'll just stop.. I hope people in Japan are coping okay... I pray that people who have lost family members will find peace and be able to move on with their lives, but not forget those who passed away. Does that make sense? o.o Feeling kinda small and insignificant and immaturely childish. TimTan.

Needing Normality

Seriously? Are you freaking serious? Gosh. Okay. I need to organize my thoughts. Nothing is making sense anymore. Nothing. Everyone in my life right now is completely psycho. I need to get away. I can't do this anymore. Just UGH. What is WRONG with everybody? I am so sick of all of it. Just go away. Please. I can't take it. Why? Why can't you just be normal? Sure, you think I'm the one with issues. Gosh, how can you be so freaking blind? I'm not freaking perfect. I admit it. What more do you want from me? Oh, so you can just go act like the world is against you. Like you're the victim. I don't want it to be like this. Why can't everything just go back to the way it used to be? I don't want broken relationships that go beyond mending. But it's too hard. OH MY GOSH. How much frustration can a single person hold? Dear God, help me forgive. Dear God, forgive me. Dear God, help. please. I really really need your help. I'm trying my best, but it's not good enough. Erica.

Bright Stars

So, I haven't been posting in a while.. And I thought I should get on with it. Today was more interesting than usual. We had this 'Bright Stars' program, so no classes! :) This feminist, Dura Dara spoke to start off the day. She was quite inspiring and she told us about loving ourselves and just being content with what we had and who we were. And to negotiate what we wanted. Then we had Yoga. It was pretty much just a lot of breathing and some movements. We did the tree! Like in Wii Fit. :P OH and they gave us free recess. The fruits were really nice. Isabel loved the pineapples. And this muesli thing with heaps of chocolate chips. :D Kate loved them. haha. Next was Laughter Therapy, which was my favourite session, I guess. This lady told us about how laughing was the second best thing for our health, after breathing... Did you know smiling sends 'happy' signals to your brain? So you can actually TRICK it into thinking you're happy. Interesting. And we're supposed to laugh 15 minutes a day. Gosh that's a hard task.. We did more breathing and stretching here too. Mindfulness. 5o minutes of breathing. And tapping yourself all around you body. And sitting... I got slightly bored, but I guess it would be good for de-stressing. Psychology! Well, they talked more about the university course than the actual subject. But I guess I learnt a little more. I have to do 6 years of uni to become a fully qualified psychologist. -.- I might as well do medicine. Sigh. SO, I think my brain got like. triple the amount of oxygen it usually gets after all that breathing... We got showbags! With no lollies. But with free shampoo. Because that has everything to do with Swinburn university.. Thoughtful, Me.