Haircut Dilemma

Why do I want a haircut? Why DO I want a haircut? Hm. Now that I think about it, I do kinda want one a fair bit. I don't always get it, but still. Why? I'm starting to think it's maybe because I keep thinking getting a haircut and changing how I look might change the way people look at me. I keep hoping, maybe it'll make me look prettier? Maybe people will treat me differently? Maybe I'll feel more confident? But usually, it doesn't really make a difference; changing you hair or how you look doesn't change who you are. I guess I'll just have to learn that eventually... Idk. Perhaps I just want to be liked. I mean, this sounds silly and shallow. But seriously. Obviously there's something wrong with me because I've never been like liked. Everyone's been like liked before, I'm sure. Bah. You know what annoys me the most? The fact that I'm actually thinking and blogging about this. -.- Okay. Let's just pretend I never wrote, actually, never thought that. Or maybe I just actually wanna change my hairstyle... Probably not though. Me.

Update on Life

So, Here's an update on my life. :) Monday, we did the 'Morrisby Testing'. It consists of a skills part, where they have random IQ type questions that you have to answer within a certain time limit. Some included finding the pattern of a string of shapes, numerical ones (ugh), word ones, and there were really really random ones where we had to write Ss as fast as we could. o.o But it was fun. And we got to miss 4 periods. :) What else? Hmm.. I played my first soccer match on Sunday and we won! Which is good, even though I didn't get to play thaaat much. Hm. I really need to get better at soccer. -.- And our new house is nice. I guess I kinda like having my own room although I have yet to decorate it. OMGSH I have a maths applications task thing tomorrow and a Cubics test on Friday. But I guess I'll survive. I guess I'm not freaking out that much because I'm not studying right now. POOF. I should. Okay. We had an English Play on R&J. I was the PRINCE. And Viv brought me a crown and rings to make me look prince-ly. 'Twas fun. That is all. Me.

Too many thoughts

Hm, I've been huddled up in my own little world these few days. Would someone mind telling me how to stop caring about petty things? Oh and note to my thoughts: Please stop. I'm trying to be optimistic but you're not exactly helping with all your negativeness flowing about in my mind. If I ever get depressed, I'm blaming you. Just thought you should know. By the way, thinking is not necessarily always a good thing. In actual fact, thinking too much is a very bad thing.

Sincerely, The overthinker

Confidence

People are drawn to confidence. Which is why she fakes it. It made things so much easier. It's not that she liked pretending, but if she didn't, no one would know her. She would be friend-less. Why? Because she was just too ordinary. No one would be the first to walk up to her. So she would have to push down all insecurities and make the first move. But after the people are gone, and she's alone with her thoughts, the confidence ebbs away. And what's left is just the opposite. The Wonderings. Whether she came out too overconfident; what they thought of her; if she even made an impression. She would go over every excrutiatingly awkward moment and obsess. And yet, she's not even sure if they thought it was awkward, or whether she was just being her usual paranoid self. Other times she wondered why she bothered. What was the point? If no one thought she was worth getting to know, then why bother? It wasn't fair. But then, life wasn't fair. She knew that. Some people were born pretty, others not so much. Some were born rich, others into horrible poverty. Some people were born likable and confident and interesting, others weren't as lucky. But what could she do? Nothing. Because the one thing she feared more than what others thought of her, was being alone. Sure, she feared spiders. But being alone. The very thought of it scared her. So she dealt with it. Dealt with living every day thinking she wasn't good enough. wow. I should think less. This is what happens when I'm left with my thoughts and a place to word them out. Me.

Airport

Right now,

It's exactly 1.30am. On the 17th of December. I'm at the airport on the way to Malaysia. My eyes are a little watery from the tiredness, but the lights are bright. I think that they're designed to keep you awake. lol. Okay I'm rambling.

Anyways, the guy at the desk who was checking if our faces matched our passport faces seemed slightly irritated. He didn't really show it. I'd like to think that I was good at reading his expression and body language. Buuuut I might be completely wrong. Meh.

I'm just talking about random stuff right now. So. Yeah. This computer has a nice keyboard. It feels nice to type and has a nice sound and the right resistance when you type on it. :D Oh gosh. I'm reeeaaally random right now. Oh, did I mention the mouse is sort of rectangular?

Uh oh. Mum just called. Gotta run.

MALAYSIA HERE I COME!

TimTan

Wondering

Ok. Fine.

So I’m selfish. A freaking selfish little brat who thinks about no one but herself and what she herself is going through. Me me me me mememememememeME.

Ugh. MY thoughts. MY feelings. MY problems. But what do you expect me to do? Huh? I’m not God okay. I’m not perfect. I have flaws. Endless flaws.

And now my sister wouldn’t even care if I died. Oh but then that’s about me too. The world seems to revolve around me these days.

Oh and funny how not too long ago, that same sister was jealous because she thought I was perfect. Popular. Pretty. No wait. That makes sense. Of course she would want me dead. Sad thing is, none of the things she was jealous of were true. All just twisted because of her own low self esteem of herself.

She thinks no one cares too. That’s probably part of it. The self esteem thing, I mean. Gosh, how ironic. I was always the one that was jealous of her. She has always been and still is the pretty one. The one with a best best best friend forever as well as many others. And the one that was always oh-so happy.

This family is so stuffed up it isn’t even funny. Everyone’s going crazy. But then it’ll all be fine again tomorrow morning. Only to repeat itself.

The screaming. The fighting. You know, it’s always been only verbal fighting. But I guess not anymore. What happened to the happy people in those photos of us in Malaysia? The photos we were looking at just, huh, a few hours ago. So much can change in a mere 3 hours.

Trying not to think it, but I can’t help it.

What would happen if I really died? I really want to know. Would it even make a difference?

Oh it’s hilarious. You should see me when I’m bawling my eyes out. My nose goes extremely pink.

With an extremely pink nose, Erica

Btw, this was last night.

God's Sense of Humour

Oh gosh. God, you really do have a sense of humour... SO ironic. Hilariously ironic actually. So, this is what happened. We were playing Poker as a family. And I was losing. Like horribly. I actually completely lost all my chips and had to get a new set of chips because I was getting bored and I wanted to play. For the entire game, I didn't win even one game. And then, at the end, when I was about to lose all my chips again, I was like what the heck and went all in. Everyone else also went all in after a few cards came out. I won. All of it. LOL. I had 5 spades, Jonathan had a triple 3, and Dad had 2 doubles. So for the whole entire game, I didn't even win ONE round. But the one round I did win was the last one. When everything was at stake. Okay, so it might not sound as a big a deal when you type it all out and read. It's one of those things you really have to experience. Maybe God's trying to tell me that my sometimes seemingly sucky life is just a small part. And I'll win it all back, and more. Perspective. Maybe. Erica

Non-class Programs

So, Today was an interesting, out-of-the-ordinary day. In the morning we did Aqua Aerobics (erh. not great. was not in the mood for swimming. but then again, i never am..) and then Self Defence. :D It was fun. He was telling us how our best defence weapon is our brain. And our body weapons are only our last resort. Anyways, we had to say 'KIAI' as we threw our kicks and palms (they weren't punches). And now I reeeally want to try it on an actual person.. Hip Hop was fun too. :D And finally, we went to an Elderly Home to entertain them for about half an hour. As a form. We did the Grinch! And sang Christmas Carols. My heart tweaked slightly when I saw them. They looked so old and vulnerable.. At least we brought a smile to a few here and there. I don't want to grow old. o.o Hey, it's a 'what happened' post, instead of a 'thinking too much' post. I used to have a lot more 'what happened' posts compared to 'thinking too much' posts. Wonder what changed.. TimTan

Fairness?

Life, Is not fair. Think about it. I have so many reasons to base this statement on. Here's one of them. The horribly unfortunate fact that the person who cares less holds the power in a relationship. How unfair is that? The other who doesn't care as much has the power to do whatever because they know the... Okay this is too confusing. Let me start again. Let's say A is the person who cares more and B is the one who cares less. By the way, this is all hypothetical. A has the power to do whatever they want because they know B will do anything for them. B is vulnerable to being taken advantage of and the worse thing is, they know it and don't care. I repeat, how unfair is that? Blah, Me.

Sundayy.

Yesterday, Was interesting. Firstly, we went to Mum's aunt's birthday lunch at Gold Leaf (Yum Cha). Yum. :D Then, to Harry's house. And we played a game that was kinda like Taboo. It was. Well, we're kinda the second cousins so we don't know them as well. Slightly out of it and awkward, but bearable. And omgsh. CAKE. Flourless chocolate, white choc raspberry mud and cheesecake. Yes 3 cakes. Oh then I went the the ROAR 56ers get-together. It was funner (is that a word?) and less awkward than I expected! I think it was partly because Eugena wasn't there. I'm not saying anything bad about her. But she intimidates me. Because she's clique-y, I think. Clique-y people and me just don't go together. Btw, it was bowling at the Glen. I learnt that... I am actually really bad at bowling. The ball went into the gutters the first 2 times. And more... Albert and Joy attempted to teach me. It helped! But... Yeah, bowling, not my thing. BUT it was still fun. Albert kept reminding me to roll STRAIGHT. The obvious thing to do, but it is actually hard. And we exchanged gifts. :D I got a paper rose with a MINI BIBLE. OMGSH! It was SOO CUTE! And that's it. Erica

City Outlook

So, I just wanted to start with that quote. Anyways, I'm starting to get a teeny bit sick of the city. All the walking. And I'm hungry more. o.o Urban Seed was. Though provoking. About homelessness, drug addicts and what the church is doing about it. Oh, I walked into a pole yesterday. Oh, and Belgian waffles are da bomb. Oh, interesting event: Jessie reeeally needed to go to the toilet. We asked a nearby guy in a cafe. He looked slightly creepy looking and had an accent. He said, 'Go down past the coffee shop and you'll see a black door. The code is **** (I can't remember it).' We're like. Okay... So we walked and we saw a black door with unauthorised access prohibited. It look aged and kinda scary. Jessie typed in the code. It was a stairway going downwards into who knows where. Like those in horror movies. Just before some girl screams, "DON'T GO IN THERE!" So, we... Didn't go in. Hehe. It was probably just some staff toilet. But still, we'll never know... That's all for today. Erica

Contemplativeness

Hm, I'm not afraid of dying. Rather, I'm afraid that no one would care if I did. I think that's why I try so hard sometimes. I think I've said before that I'm a people pleaser. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. It depends. Anyway, that was a thought that ran through my head quite a while ago. So I'm not very up-to-date. Probably because of my maths exam which because OVERR on friday. :) Extreme relief. I think I've changed. Since Malaysia. Since Year 7. Just since. I used to be so innocent, young, ignorant and I was happy that way. I never thought or cared a thing about what people thought of me. Okay, so maybe when someone said something I'd feel hurt or whatever, but I'd just forget about it. Now, I don't know. Do you think I've changed? I really want to ask that question to someone who's known me since I was a little girl. But obviously not my family. Because you know how when you see someone everyday, the change is so gradual you don't notice? Yeah, that would be a slight problem. I'm not sure if I changed for the better or for the worse. My accent. My thoughts. My feelings. My likes and dislikes. My mannerisms? Meh. Contemplating things make me get to know myself better I guess. Erica

Nonsensical Nonsense

So, I haven't really been in a bloggy mood in a while. I'm not even in one now. I just feel kinda obliged to post something because well. I've had like 3 failed blogs and this ones gotten so far. I'm not giving up now. I don't really have much to talk about because life has just been one big. ball of yarn. Not the greatest metaphore but it was the best I could do. You see, home's been. Ugh. Some days are okay. Other days I feel like just screaming my head off and jumping up and down. It's what everyone else seems to be doing. But then I'll just be giving in. I have a theory. There's a crazy streak in my family. Or maybe not because my parents seem mostly okay and my cousins seem fine. But my siblings. Well, don't even let me start on the problems. And somehow, inside, I think there's this uncontrollable mad thing that could just blow up. At least school's been alright. My friends have been good. It was Vicky's birthday yesterday and I baked her a really yummy Devil's Food Cake. Anyway, it's funny how God knows just how much I can handle. If thing's were going bad at school, my head would just burst in a million pieces and the explosion would be so big that you would find bits of me floating around in space. Wow. Did I just say that? This is a really odd post. Me just rambling nonsensical nonsense. Ignore me. Wait no don't. Cos then I'll feel unloved. Yes, I used that word. The word people use when they feel unloved. Eeek. Okay I'm not liking that word now. The Fortunate Unhappy (Shakespeare, Twelfth Night) Erica

Collection of Thoughts

Ugh, 14 is a stupid age. Hate it. Well, right now anyway. I feel young and kid-ish. People my age can be cruel. I feel short, disproportioned, squinty eyed, in need of a haircut and... I don't know. Out of place. Sometimes, smiling can be so draining. It just. Well, drains up energy. Cheerfulness just seeps it like some sort of vacuum. I wish I could punch jealousy in the face. See, this is another thing that eats you up from the inside. I'm sick of being a moody little teenager. I'm not trying to be mean. Really. Not up to a social gathering where I have to put on a bright happy smiley cheerful face and talk and laugh and talk more. Well, time to be happy again. Or maybe for the first time, I won't be able to do it. And I'll just stay in this sullen mood. No, actually, I think I'll manage. As always. I'm slightly annoyed with myself for that. Hm. Me

Thank God You're Here

Today, Was another averagely good-ish day. We watched She's the man in English. And erm. Yeah. In assembly, (our first in ages. not that I care that much) Mr Argall mentioned something about Thank God You're Here. I don't remember much, but I just wanna say. THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE! That includes everyone in my life who has, in any stage, made me smile/laugh/feel better/have the fuzzy warm feeling inside/happy/feel loved etc. Or just been there for me. You know who you are. xP Oh, I was interviewed today for an inter school scholarship. I was nervous, but I felt better when I found out it was just 3 friendly, smiley old ladies who were PLC old collegians. They asked about Dame Nelly Melba. I failed. I said she was some plane person but she was an opera singer. I KNEW THAT. I just couldn't remember it. Idk why. Don't ask. Oh. Last Friday, we had a flute day. Which was fun. OMG. I went so high during the masterclass type thing. 2 cupcakes, carrot cake with ICING and banana cake. Hmmm. Not so good for me. But OH so delicious. I apologize for lack of photos. Melissa and Cynthia looked at me weirdly because I kept randomly doing random things. :P Life goes on. Oh nice line. I like that line. I shall repeat it. Life goes on. TimTan

Can't think of one

I feel like freaking punching something right now. ARGH. Can you please just shut up. I've become SOO freaking close to swearing these days. And that's against my very being. And guess why? Sick of it. So sick of it that I can't even put it into words. It was such a good day too. It's all getting way to old. A concentrated whirl of anger.

Blah. Yeah, that sums out how I'm feeling.

Okay, So I'm in a bit of a... Mood right now. Suffice to say I'm not happy but I shall try to blog about something happy so I'll forget about it. Er. Hm. Um. I can't think of anything right now. Argh. Okay. How about. My week. Okay. So have I told you my class (9G) won the Year 9 Singing Competition? Well, along with 9H. Bahaha. Vicky's class. Anyway, so we have to perform Imagine during assembly. I think it was the sign language that got us to win. Personally, I thought we were just average and slightly off tune. But who's complaining? We got heaps (like 3) of chocolates from it. :D From Catherine, Madam Ning, and as a reward for winning. Next, um. um. um. Oh, we had Community Action again. Same thing. Sand box, then inside. Oh and we missed the bus again. JUST this time. So we walked. Go on www.studywiz.plc.vic.edu.au blog thingo if you wanna read more. It's nothing much though. Erm. OH, we had to go to this family Psychologist appointment thing. Yay because it was the day Tess got discharged. But I don't really want to talk about it. The day. Just that it ended nice enough I guess. :) <<<> Battery's running out. Drained and weary, Erica.

20th August 2010 (Thursday)

Today, I woke up and ate cereal and toast with avocados. Then, I went to school early for flute group. Hmm.. The rest of classes were just. Average and normal. At recess though, Crystal gave me a dumpling, and then brownie from Rochelle (cos we did awesomely in the singing competition. not really.) and then some pizza scroll from Viv because she was being generous. :D thx viv. But the highlight really was lunchtime. I was supposed to go to Art but Ms Snell wasn't there so I cbs. I've already wasted like 3 of my precious lunchtimes doing art. And I have to do it again tmrw. Gah. Anyway, I was eating lunch with my friends. Which is usually fun enough. We talk about the randomest things. BUT, after buying a packet of chips (not me. Jessie), we decided to go for a walk. We went to the area we used to spend our year 7 lunchtimes. And played the balancing game on this wood bit jutting out. Like a mini fence. Anyway, we took turns going the whole way while the others went crazy screaming and jumping up and down trying to get the person balancing to fall off. I love how we all still have that bit of kid inside. I kinda feel sorry for all those who grew up so fast and don't have a chance to do all this because they're too busy with how they look etc. After school, and Melba, Mum drove me to Mt waverley village so I could interview people for a Geography project. I managed to get 2 people, but others just shooed me off or said they were busy. I got a little intimidated after a while, and gave up... People can be very intimidating even though they don't mean it. So I made myself a promise, if, when I'm old/older, and a young girl comes with some survey for school, I'll put on a big smile and answer as well as I can even though I'm in a bad mood or whtever. Smiling at a good-ish day. Interesting. Erica

Not sure what to think

Hi, I'm just. Shocked. In utter disbelief. I didn't know it was so serious. I don't even know what to think. I never saw it as a reality. The hospital. That's. I don't know. But if it'll help her get better, then I guess that's a good thing. All those calls from random people who are trying to give support or help or care or whatever. Aunty Vanny picking me up from school, asking me if I'm okay. It's all just freaking me out. It's really weird. Mum's okay. I hope. I didn't know whether to ask if she was okay or to just carry on as normal. I did both. All I can do is offer whatever help I can. Help pack her stuff. I thought I liked being home alone. I don't. Just the usual footsteps around the house and the sound of activity. A sound I usually don't notice. Neglect even. How is she going to survive? I hope she's okay. I'm getting Grey's Anatomy for her. It's all I can think of. Mum said no internet, or fb or phone. Idk. Doesn't feel like my life. Feels like everything's in slow motion. Like watching a movie. That's right. It feels like it's all scripted and well. Movie-like. Unreal. Trying to get my head around it all. It'll all go back to normal soon, right? Confused, Me.

A Day in the Life of ME

See, Told you so. About the sudden BAM of crazy posting. Okay, 3 isn't that many. But still. Today, we had a Leadership voting thing replacing form assembly. We had to vote. I only knew 3 people on the Year 11 girls' list. So, I figured I would vote for Tess. Because I think she would be a good one. And it would be so cool! I could like, be like, okay, if you organize a free sausage sizzle/pancake day, I'll do the dishes tomorrow. Then, we had PE. Bec and I are Captains of our soccer team (Bout 7 ppl..) I got chosen because I'm in a soccer team. But it's kinda silly, because I'm pretty much the worst one on the team. Oh well. Anyway, we just did random drills. Fun. I got mud all over me. :D Oooh, Lunch. Often the highlight of my day. I had a yummy croissant sandwich. I went to the library (dragging Jessie, yes we do that a lot. Drag people to places) and printed my GEOGRAPHY hw. Then, Jessie made me watch the Asylum 626 trailer. She turned faced the computer toward me and got me to commentate on what was happening. So she would know, without having to go through the mental trauma. OMGSH! It was scaaary. And soundless. Imagine how much worse it would be if it had sound... I only watched like bits of it, cos I kept chickening out and turning away. baha. Once, I turned my head, and Jessie PUSHED IT BACK. omgsh. so mean. IF I GET NIGHTMARES TODAY IT IS JESSIE'S FAULT! BUT, I'm looking forward to doing the actual game at Jessie's b'day. At the end of school, our usual walking home routine got muddled a little. Here's what happened: 1. Vicky dragged me to music. (told you we do that heaps) 2. Ran to Jessie's locker. Did not find her. 3. Ran to my locker. Passed Myura who told me Jessie and stuff was waiting at my locker. 4. Saw no one at locker. cbs. Decided to walk alone. 5. Mobile rang. It was Isabel. They were at my locker... 6. Meet after buses, in front of PE centre. Laughs. 7. Walk to Parer Street as per usual. 8. See my car. Isabel's car is behind. Decide to drive alongside each other. 9. Plan failed. Mum was busy talking and I was like gogogo. But no. Isabel's car was already 2 cars ahead... 10. Mobile rings. Probs Isabel. Mobile is in my schoolbag in the boot. 11. Slaps head and mentally says sorry to Isabel. Hahaha. My life is average. Not. It's awesome. :) Really good bits and really bad bits. I guess they evened out? o.o Listening to Jonathan playing maplestory. He's in Perion, I think. Judging by the music. Erica