Just stop.

Shut up. Please, just shut up.

I can hear you, you know that, right? Tears are streaming down my face, and you just go on and on and on. Just stop. Please. And leave me alone. It doesn't have anything ANYTHING to do with you. So just please please stop it. You can't have any idea how much it affects me. So I'm asking you, begging you to leave me alone.

It's like you're trying to make me hate you. Do you really want that? I don't. I don't. Really truly don't. Every word you say hurts. I can feel it sounding in my head. It's gonna make everything worse. So just STOP. You don't understand, you can't. So I'm just telling you to leave me alone.

I can't keep forgiving and forgiving. One day, I'm going to get SO sick of it, I'll just stop. And then, the damage will be done. Irreversible. Do you want that? I don't. I already told you, I don't. I just want it all to stop. You have a freaking problem, I know. But just leave me freaking out of it. It has NOTHING to do with me.

Tearful and puffy-eyed.

Me

Facing the Cold Hard Fact

Okay, (btw, this was Tuesday 23rd March 2010) either that or Monday. So today started great, and then on Period 5, my day was ruined. My worst fears just came true. My English teacher saw through the boring orderly structure of my writing and the fancy words from Word synonyms. He realized that I was actually a really bad writer. Sure, Ms Linker and Ms Exell thought I was alright, but that was just because they 'follow the rules', as quoted from Vicky. Which, I know is like a fact. I've been hiding behind A's from nice English teachers and not facing the fact that my writing is not all that great. I guess when I said 'I don't really like Mr Gamble anymore' was only because of my. um. hurt pride? Or whatever. Anyway, it's nothing to do with him. I just need to be more creative in my writing and put more effort into it. Believe it or not, when it first registered in my mind that I got a --. (I can't say it on the Internet, which is public. But I have to. I can't. It'll be forever written on my blog. Oh what the heck, I got a freakin C+. And if you laugh, you're just some sadisticly mean person who has no heart.) Anyway, somewhere, deep down in my throat, I felt a lump of tears. Of course it never got close to reaching the surface, but still. It was THERE. I know, bad. I really want to get As again. A miserable little me. Who will get over it. Eventually.

Fake smile, Real smile?

I felt like a story. Or well, part of a story. Or whatever.

She stood there, dreading what she knew was going to happen. The sinking feeling threatened to overwhelm her. But her decision was made. It was set.

She was ready. Putting on a warm smile, identical to the one she always wore, she strode towards them. "Hi." She said, in that cheerful way she always said it, giving a swift hello wave at everyone. Their response was the same as it always was, some smiled; some responded with another "Hi."; some gave a nod of acknowledgement; and others, just continued as if she was invisible.

Her heard sank. No one had noticed. She knew no one would. No one ever would. She was just too good at it, the Act. Too good at pretending it was all okay. Too good at smiling and saying everything was fine. Well, she supposed it was sort of, a gift. But sometimes, she just wished someone would see. That someone would notice. They didn't have to know exactly how she was feeling. Just notice that there was something different. That it was all the Act. That the smile, the warm, cheery smile, was forced.

But she would be fine. Although they might not know her true smile from her fake, they were still there for her, supporting her, rooting for her. At least, that was what she hoped.

Or, maybe she was just thinking to much. Who knows?

Haven't posted in AGES. LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL.

I honestly, can NOT wait.

TimTan

1000 steps. Or not.

Okay, So I'm lazy and been dragging posting for ages. And logically, I should have heaps to write and rant about. Camp. A whole other week of torture, pain, almost tears and getting closer to people. But, oh I don't know, I just don't feel like writing about it. I've been talking about it heaps. Denzel is a really good listener. haha, I spent the whole ride in the car telling him about it. He's little, but he knows what to say at what time. Hm. I should learn how to do that. Anyway, since I've been talking about camp so much and I really can't be bothered right now, (I'll force myself to do it next time) I will talk about going to the 1000 steps yesterday. We went with the whole of our LifeGroup and well, there was, as usual, heaps of yummy food. :) And so, first, we climbed the steps and I counted them. There was only about 772 or something. Or maybe I lost count. Anywho, it was really no big deal and it was mostly nice, foresty and tree-filled. The Sim family came late and so we saw them on the way down. LUNCHTIME! Kendrick apparently ran the whole way and came down first. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, Gareth followed us down and didn't climb the steps. haha. Genius. Oooh and I piggy-backed Evenlyn down. Then, after that, when Denzel came back, I piggy-backed him down. And then, when we were going to the playground after lunch, I piggy-backed Cayden up. Gosh, and here I am, wondering why I'm so short. lol. We played Shark at the playground. Tess and Mavis were standing at the side, just talking. And I felt. Well. Kiddish and immature. I mean, there I was, playing. Being the only 13 (turning 14) year old. And well, Kendrick is just weird. Anyway, yea. It made me feel. Weird. And I didn't know whether to join them. I decided against it and continued playing like the little girl I can be sometimes. After that, all was happy again when we started playing. Dun dun dun. SOCCER. I realize how much I love it now. It's ever SO much fun. Just kicing the ball. And the satisfaction of having stolen the ball of someone and helping your team. I managed a goal or two. :))) Oh and did I mention there was this really cool water tap. Which pretty much sprayed you when you tried drinking from it. Yeap, we all got wet. After that, I didn't really feel like going home. Or going to LifeTrax at church. So I joined Jon and went to the Sims' house. Where I spent the car ride talking to Denzel, as I mentioned before. And well, the rest of the day was Wii, Maple and dinner. Yes, I have started Mapling again. -.- Girly girl or Tomboy? Mature or Kiddish? Erica