Confidence

People are drawn to confidence. Which is why she fakes it. It made things so much easier. It's not that she liked pretending, but if she didn't, no one would know her. She would be friend-less. Why? Because she was just too ordinary. No one would be the first to walk up to her. So she would have to push down all insecurities and make the first move. But after the people are gone, and she's alone with her thoughts, the confidence ebbs away. And what's left is just the opposite. The Wonderings. Whether she came out too overconfident; what they thought of her; if she even made an impression. She would go over every excrutiatingly awkward moment and obsess. And yet, she's not even sure if they thought it was awkward, or whether she was just being her usual paranoid self. Other times she wondered why she bothered. What was the point? If no one thought she was worth getting to know, then why bother? It wasn't fair. But then, life wasn't fair. She knew that. Some people were born pretty, others not so much. Some were born rich, others into horrible poverty. Some people were born likable and confident and interesting, others weren't as lucky. But what could she do? Nothing. Because the one thing she feared more than what others thought of her, was being alone. Sure, she feared spiders. But being alone. The very thought of it scared her. So she dealt with it. Dealt with living every day thinking she wasn't good enough. wow. I should think less. This is what happens when I'm left with my thoughts and a place to word them out. Me.