Shallowness

So, This was weeks ago but I think I'll post it. It's relevant-ish. Say someone doesn't like a part of who they are. Like a trait. And they wanted to change it. Would this mean they were pretending to be someone they weren't? But then again, the part of them that wants to change that trait is still a part of them right? So...? What? Okay. I reckon I can be extremely shallow sometimes and I truly despise that part of me. I put so much importance in such trivial matters that, when I'm thinking rationally, are stupid. Why? And I often find myself looking and caring more about outer appearances than inner beauty and values. Why? I wasn't brought up that way. Nor do I like thinking that way. So why do I do it? I briefly mentioned before that someone pointed this out to me. That person said I acted stupid. Key word here is acted. Which meant that that person was implying that I was doing it intentionally. I don't think it's true. But how would I know? My judgement is impaired and biased. So what if it is? True? Do I act stupid? Thing is, I know I'm not. I know for a fact that I am not stupid. But obviously I did something or acted in a certain way to cause that person to make that comment. So.. I'm not dumb but I acted dumb. In my opinion, that's even worse than actually being dumb. I don't do it on purpose. Maybe I do it subconsciously? But why in the world would I want to portray myself as someone dumb?! Ugh. Either way, I'm disappointed in myself. In who I've become. By who, I mean this shallow egotistical airhead who values outer appearance. And is not to mention mean. Easily angered. Selfish. Holds grudges. And has no grace whatsoever. Oh and is easily offended. I'm becoming everything I ever disliked in a person. Erica