Just stop.

Shut up. Please, just shut up.

I can hear you, you know that, right? Tears are streaming down my face, and you just go on and on and on. Just stop. Please. And leave me alone. It doesn't have anything ANYTHING to do with you. So just please please stop it. You can't have any idea how much it affects me. So I'm asking you, begging you to leave me alone.

It's like you're trying to make me hate you. Do you really want that? I don't. I don't. Really truly don't. Every word you say hurts. I can feel it sounding in my head. It's gonna make everything worse. So just STOP. You don't understand, you can't. So I'm just telling you to leave me alone.

I can't keep forgiving and forgiving. One day, I'm going to get SO sick of it, I'll just stop. And then, the damage will be done. Irreversible. Do you want that? I don't. I already told you, I don't. I just want it all to stop. You have a freaking problem, I know. But just leave me freaking out of it. It has NOTHING to do with me.

Tearful and puffy-eyed.

Me

Facing the Cold Hard Fact

Okay, (btw, this was Tuesday 23rd March 2010) either that or Monday. So today started great, and then on Period 5, my day was ruined. My worst fears just came true. My English teacher saw through the boring orderly structure of my writing and the fancy words from Word synonyms. He realized that I was actually a really bad writer. Sure, Ms Linker and Ms Exell thought I was alright, but that was just because they 'follow the rules', as quoted from Vicky. Which, I know is like a fact. I've been hiding behind A's from nice English teachers and not facing the fact that my writing is not all that great. I guess when I said 'I don't really like Mr Gamble anymore' was only because of my. um. hurt pride? Or whatever. Anyway, it's nothing to do with him. I just need to be more creative in my writing and put more effort into it. Believe it or not, when it first registered in my mind that I got a --. (I can't say it on the Internet, which is public. But I have to. I can't. It'll be forever written on my blog. Oh what the heck, I got a freakin C+. And if you laugh, you're just some sadisticly mean person who has no heart.) Anyway, somewhere, deep down in my throat, I felt a lump of tears. Of course it never got close to reaching the surface, but still. It was THERE. I know, bad. I really want to get As again. A miserable little me. Who will get over it. Eventually.

Fake smile, Real smile?

I felt like a story. Or well, part of a story. Or whatever.

She stood there, dreading what she knew was going to happen. The sinking feeling threatened to overwhelm her. But her decision was made. It was set.

She was ready. Putting on a warm smile, identical to the one she always wore, she strode towards them. "Hi." She said, in that cheerful way she always said it, giving a swift hello wave at everyone. Their response was the same as it always was, some smiled; some responded with another "Hi."; some gave a nod of acknowledgement; and others, just continued as if she was invisible.

Her heard sank. No one had noticed. She knew no one would. No one ever would. She was just too good at it, the Act. Too good at pretending it was all okay. Too good at smiling and saying everything was fine. Well, she supposed it was sort of, a gift. But sometimes, she just wished someone would see. That someone would notice. They didn't have to know exactly how she was feeling. Just notice that there was something different. That it was all the Act. That the smile, the warm, cheery smile, was forced.

But she would be fine. Although they might not know her true smile from her fake, they were still there for her, supporting her, rooting for her. At least, that was what she hoped.

Or, maybe she was just thinking to much. Who knows?

Haven't posted in AGES. LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL.

I honestly, can NOT wait.

TimTan

1000 steps. Or not.

Okay, So I'm lazy and been dragging posting for ages. And logically, I should have heaps to write and rant about. Camp. A whole other week of torture, pain, almost tears and getting closer to people. But, oh I don't know, I just don't feel like writing about it. I've been talking about it heaps. Denzel is a really good listener. haha, I spent the whole ride in the car telling him about it. He's little, but he knows what to say at what time. Hm. I should learn how to do that. Anyway, since I've been talking about camp so much and I really can't be bothered right now, (I'll force myself to do it next time) I will talk about going to the 1000 steps yesterday. We went with the whole of our LifeGroup and well, there was, as usual, heaps of yummy food. :) And so, first, we climbed the steps and I counted them. There was only about 772 or something. Or maybe I lost count. Anywho, it was really no big deal and it was mostly nice, foresty and tree-filled. The Sim family came late and so we saw them on the way down. LUNCHTIME! Kendrick apparently ran the whole way and came down first. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, Gareth followed us down and didn't climb the steps. haha. Genius. Oooh and I piggy-backed Evenlyn down. Then, after that, when Denzel came back, I piggy-backed him down. And then, when we were going to the playground after lunch, I piggy-backed Cayden up. Gosh, and here I am, wondering why I'm so short. lol. We played Shark at the playground. Tess and Mavis were standing at the side, just talking. And I felt. Well. Kiddish and immature. I mean, there I was, playing. Being the only 13 (turning 14) year old. And well, Kendrick is just weird. Anyway, yea. It made me feel. Weird. And I didn't know whether to join them. I decided against it and continued playing like the little girl I can be sometimes. After that, all was happy again when we started playing. Dun dun dun. SOCCER. I realize how much I love it now. It's ever SO much fun. Just kicing the ball. And the satisfaction of having stolen the ball of someone and helping your team. I managed a goal or two. :))) Oh and did I mention there was this really cool water tap. Which pretty much sprayed you when you tried drinking from it. Yeap, we all got wet. After that, I didn't really feel like going home. Or going to LifeTrax at church. So I joined Jon and went to the Sims' house. Where I spent the car ride talking to Denzel, as I mentioned before. And well, the rest of the day was Wii, Maple and dinner. Yes, I have started Mapling again. -.- Girly girl or Tomboy? Mature or Kiddish? Erica

An eventful CNY 2010

CNY 2010. I shall write about that. Because it was a HAPPY time. CNY always is. First event, my Dad got the wrong date of the Life Group CNY dinner meeting (small church gathering thing). He thought it was a week before. Whoops. Well, we ended up going for delicious Korean food. Which was great. And then, the next week, on CNY eve (Saturday), we had lunch at Ah Ma's house. I was wearing a skirt, but I really REALLY wanted to go on the trampoline. So, I borrowed one of James' pants and hey, it matched my PINK shirt. LOL. Anyway, the trampoline was SOOOO MUCH FUN. Like seriously, I want one. It's one of those big ones. We did front flips and splits. And well, just good cousin bonding time. I know how cliched it might sound, but it was fun. And there was heaps of FOOD too. Yee Sang (if you know what it is, you are awesome), curry, Tong Sui (translated to sweet water) etc. Mostly Chinese food, but the stuff I liked, I really liked. And then (Saturday Night), it was the actual Life Group CNY dinner meeting. More food. More Yee Sang. And we played. SingStar!! WHOO. I beat TESSA. MUAHAHHAHA. Okay. I should stop bragging. :P And we watched 'Just Imagine', I think it was just imagine. Or was it 'Can you imagine'? Oh whtever. The name of the movie is irrelevant. And in the last few minutes, I played Mario Kart on Jon's DSI. Sunday morning, CITYYY. CNY spinning wheel; free pens; free tiger pouches; free fortune cookie; free helium balloons. We met up with Mavis' family and the Sims. We watched the Lion dances, the dragon dances, the loud fire crackers, the muscly dudes banging huge chinese drums, the sword dances etc. Okay, so it wasn't all that exciting. But it was fun. Because Mavis and Gareth's and them were there. But DON'T tell them that. They'll get big heads. What they don't know ain't gonna hurt them. :) Sunday lunch was at second cousin's house. Thomas' B'day. More food. Sushi this time. SUSHII. And these really addictive nutty thing. And this time, there was DESSERT. Well, b'day cake. Still. It was a white chocolate mud cake. Yum. Watched pros play table tennis. Played a couple of games. Found out about 'The Game' and found a deck of "magic" cards. On Tuesday, cousins came over to our house. Yeap, another gathering. This time it was cos Uncle Kenny was here. More Yee Sang. More food. More curry. This time, there was Mum's YUMMELICIOUS fried noodles. And heaps of CNY cookies. Like HEAPS. Talked. Ate. Talked. Watched 2 and a Half Men and Big Band Theory. Debated about series. How I Met Your Mother beat all other ones. I voted Friends though. FRIENDS TO THE END. :) Jason owes me Melon Bread. Remind me that. Fun-filled. Food-filled. Family & Friends-filled. Always loved CNY, Erica Tan Lee Hsia. Chinese pride. :P RED PACKETS/HONG BAOS!!!!! GONG XI FA CAI!

2010 HC and non-existent phobias

So, House Concerts are finally over. My 3rd house concerts ever. It's quite freaky, you know. How I've been living in Australia for 3 years already. And I can still remember the very first day I arrived here on the plane. Still can't comprehend the fact that life moves so fast. Tessa's going to Uni is 2 years. Now, THAT is scary. I can still remember when we were both little girls prancing around in our primary school uniform; tying our hair in pigtails. Am I already that old? I'm only, what? 13? To be 14 in 2 months? Wow, I've already celebrated 13 birthdays? Okay, kinda moved off the main subject. So anyway, I'm sorta glad House Concerts is over I guess. That means I finally get to spend lunchtimes with my friends again. Which is a good thing. lol. Don't laugh, but sometimes, I get scared that if I do too much at school (musicals, plays, sport and such), and don't spend enough time hanging out with my friends, we'll drift apart? And I won't be part of the group anymore. I know, it's ridiculous. But it's another one of my deep dark secret fears which I keep in a little box in my heart. Buried. Mostly. Except occasionally it floats to the surface. Like "that" time last year. But for now, I'm good. Good's good. I'll worry about my worries when they get here. Take one day at a time, right? There's enough to worry about in a day without me worrying about what's going to happen in Term 3. Outlook. Damn. I blurted it out. Ah well, I guess I don't really mind if I do it alone. Like Tess said, it's community service. To HELP people. Not to have fun yourself. Though I'm quite scared of taking public transport alone. And trying to get to some place alone. I have a fear of getting lost. Huh, phobias. I can be a real wimp sometimes. Tommy

In the Extremes

Hmm. I have just realized that I am actually a very overly dramatic person. I'm either REALLY happy. Almost to the point of euphoria. And that's like the good times when I feel like nothing can touch me and nothing would go wrong. Or, I'm like low. And I seem to take anything that people say in the wrong way. Everything seems wrong. And it's like the world is against me or something. What's terrible is, I can switch from one to the other in the matter of seconds. All depending on the happenings and people around me. And like, that's really bad. Like Isabel said, I'm in the 'wrong frame of mind' or something like that. I'm just imagining it all anyway. I know I am. But that ain't gonna help me now, is it? Well, today was one of those happy days. I guess. Yeah, it was. Except for the part where PE was torture. But that was fun. I guess. I need to be less like a rollercoaster and more like a... flat road? I know, more boring, but better for me I guess. Smiling, for now. Tom Chicken Chocolatehead. For old times' sake.