Dreamed Up Falsities

Figments of imagination, hallucinations, paranoid thoughts, expectations, they're all the same thing, aren't they? When you think about it? They are all just falsities dreamed up by your mind. Tricking you into believing what's not. Imagination and hallucinations appear out of nowhere. Summoned by the deep, unconscious part of your mind. Things that you thought about all the time, without knowing about it. Paranoid thoughts are put in by fear. As much as you try to bury that fear, the doubts are there. You begin to worry about non-existent things that aren't even a reality. Okay, so doubt. Let's talk about that. It gnaws at the things you aren't sure of, your insecurities. It munches on them and spits them out when there's nothing left to chew. And what are you left with? Nothing. Expectations are the better part, I guess. They are things you hope for in the future. But what if they don't happen? Then what? Sorry if this post was, like all my other posts, boring you. But I don't write for your entertainment. I really appreciate you reading my posts, but seriously, it does hurt a little when you say everything is... Boring. Thanks for you honest opinion though. I guess. Oh wow, I really need to stop wallowing in non-existent self-pity. But then, all my happy posts are more boring somehow. o.o Looking at the sky (and God) for comfort (because it IS comforting somehow) Erica

Pick One.

Pick one.

The one who acts like they don't care. They don't.

The one who acts like they don't care. They do.

The one who is straightforward and says it to your face. The one that is persistent. A good thing, but not always.

The one who smiles and laughs. The actor.

The one who is genuinely joyful.

The easy-going, care-free one. The one that has a child-like innocence.

The forever loyal friend.

The one that is effortlessly loved by all.

The one everyone follows.

The follower.

The one who tries too hard.

The one that doesn't try at all.

Minds, Thoughts, Emotions

So, Ever wish you could read people's minds? Or maybe just one important person's. You would know who to trust or whether the person you liked liked you back or how to please someone or understand how the mind's of other people work or whether you're really the only one in the universe who thought of things in that way or just to KNOW how other people saw you. Or if they saw you at all. Perhaps knowing how people felt would be enough. You can tell a lot from emotions. And sometimes, just sometimes, I would wish that others could read my mind as well. Most of the time, that's no where near true. I really don't think I'd be liked if some of my thoughts were read. But still, it would mean no more secrets. And others would, well, fully understand. Everything is just placed out to be seen. There would be nothing left to hide. Again, you would know exactly who you could trust. And now, you tell me that it's possible. All I have to do is open my mouth, and 'Say what I need to say' (song). Easier said that done. Believe me, it's hard. I wouldn't know where to start, or how people would react. I'd just be. Stuck. But then, I really should be thankful. Grateful. For an awesome family (most of the time) and great, supportive friends. But hey, I can dream can't I? Wishful and wondering Erica

Just stop.

Shut up. Please, just shut up.

I can hear you, you know that, right? Tears are streaming down my face, and you just go on and on and on. Just stop. Please. And leave me alone. It doesn't have anything ANYTHING to do with you. So just please please stop it. You can't have any idea how much it affects me. So I'm asking you, begging you to leave me alone.

It's like you're trying to make me hate you. Do you really want that? I don't. I don't. Really truly don't. Every word you say hurts. I can feel it sounding in my head. It's gonna make everything worse. So just STOP. You don't understand, you can't. So I'm just telling you to leave me alone.

I can't keep forgiving and forgiving. One day, I'm going to get SO sick of it, I'll just stop. And then, the damage will be done. Irreversible. Do you want that? I don't. I already told you, I don't. I just want it all to stop. You have a freaking problem, I know. But just leave me freaking out of it. It has NOTHING to do with me.

Tearful and puffy-eyed.

Me

Facing the Cold Hard Fact

Okay, (btw, this was Tuesday 23rd March 2010) either that or Monday. So today started great, and then on Period 5, my day was ruined. My worst fears just came true. My English teacher saw through the boring orderly structure of my writing and the fancy words from Word synonyms. He realized that I was actually a really bad writer. Sure, Ms Linker and Ms Exell thought I was alright, but that was just because they 'follow the rules', as quoted from Vicky. Which, I know is like a fact. I've been hiding behind A's from nice English teachers and not facing the fact that my writing is not all that great. I guess when I said 'I don't really like Mr Gamble anymore' was only because of my. um. hurt pride? Or whatever. Anyway, it's nothing to do with him. I just need to be more creative in my writing and put more effort into it. Believe it or not, when it first registered in my mind that I got a --. (I can't say it on the Internet, which is public. But I have to. I can't. It'll be forever written on my blog. Oh what the heck, I got a freakin C+. And if you laugh, you're just some sadisticly mean person who has no heart.) Anyway, somewhere, deep down in my throat, I felt a lump of tears. Of course it never got close to reaching the surface, but still. It was THERE. I know, bad. I really want to get As again. A miserable little me. Who will get over it. Eventually.

Fake smile, Real smile?

I felt like a story. Or well, part of a story. Or whatever.

She stood there, dreading what she knew was going to happen. The sinking feeling threatened to overwhelm her. But her decision was made. It was set.

She was ready. Putting on a warm smile, identical to the one she always wore, she strode towards them. "Hi." She said, in that cheerful way she always said it, giving a swift hello wave at everyone. Their response was the same as it always was, some smiled; some responded with another "Hi."; some gave a nod of acknowledgement; and others, just continued as if she was invisible.

Her heard sank. No one had noticed. She knew no one would. No one ever would. She was just too good at it, the Act. Too good at pretending it was all okay. Too good at smiling and saying everything was fine. Well, she supposed it was sort of, a gift. But sometimes, she just wished someone would see. That someone would notice. They didn't have to know exactly how she was feeling. Just notice that there was something different. That it was all the Act. That the smile, the warm, cheery smile, was forced.

But she would be fine. Although they might not know her true smile from her fake, they were still there for her, supporting her, rooting for her. At least, that was what she hoped.

Or, maybe she was just thinking to much. Who knows?

Haven't posted in AGES. LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL.

I honestly, can NOT wait.

TimTan

1000 steps. Or not.

Okay, So I'm lazy and been dragging posting for ages. And logically, I should have heaps to write and rant about. Camp. A whole other week of torture, pain, almost tears and getting closer to people. But, oh I don't know, I just don't feel like writing about it. I've been talking about it heaps. Denzel is a really good listener. haha, I spent the whole ride in the car telling him about it. He's little, but he knows what to say at what time. Hm. I should learn how to do that. Anyway, since I've been talking about camp so much and I really can't be bothered right now, (I'll force myself to do it next time) I will talk about going to the 1000 steps yesterday. We went with the whole of our LifeGroup and well, there was, as usual, heaps of yummy food. :) And so, first, we climbed the steps and I counted them. There was only about 772 or something. Or maybe I lost count. Anywho, it was really no big deal and it was mostly nice, foresty and tree-filled. The Sim family came late and so we saw them on the way down. LUNCHTIME! Kendrick apparently ran the whole way and came down first. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, Gareth followed us down and didn't climb the steps. haha. Genius. Oooh and I piggy-backed Evenlyn down. Then, after that, when Denzel came back, I piggy-backed him down. And then, when we were going to the playground after lunch, I piggy-backed Cayden up. Gosh, and here I am, wondering why I'm so short. lol. We played Shark at the playground. Tess and Mavis were standing at the side, just talking. And I felt. Well. Kiddish and immature. I mean, there I was, playing. Being the only 13 (turning 14) year old. And well, Kendrick is just weird. Anyway, yea. It made me feel. Weird. And I didn't know whether to join them. I decided against it and continued playing like the little girl I can be sometimes. After that, all was happy again when we started playing. Dun dun dun. SOCCER. I realize how much I love it now. It's ever SO much fun. Just kicing the ball. And the satisfaction of having stolen the ball of someone and helping your team. I managed a goal or two. :))) Oh and did I mention there was this really cool water tap. Which pretty much sprayed you when you tried drinking from it. Yeap, we all got wet. After that, I didn't really feel like going home. Or going to LifeTrax at church. So I joined Jon and went to the Sims' house. Where I spent the car ride talking to Denzel, as I mentioned before. And well, the rest of the day was Wii, Maple and dinner. Yes, I have started Mapling again. -.- Girly girl or Tomboy? Mature or Kiddish? Erica